Narnia: Gone Rum
by Tom Bombadilo
Summary: Well, it starts with the Hermit of the Southern March and the less that's said about the end, the better.
1. Default Chapter

**Narnia- Gone Rum**

"Is this the tree?" asked Hwin.

"The smooth pool by the spreading tree," said Bree. "I told you so."

"Why do you suppose the hermit looks into this pool?" asked Aravis.

"So that I may see what happens outside of the green walls of my hermitage," answered the Hermit of the Southern March. "In this pool sometimes I can see as if in a mirror what ships are putting in to Red haven or what wild beasts have stirred in the forests of the North."

"I can't see anything," said Bree, looking very hard into the water, "just strange swirls and colors."

"That's it isn't it?" said Aravis. "In a normal pool you would see the reflection of the sky or the tree, or even our faces."

"What can you see?" asked Hwin, curiously.

"I see one, two, three eagles wheeling in the gap near Stormness Head," began the Hermit psychotically. "Our bad weather always comes from there. The third is the oldest; he would not be out unless battle was at hand. I see him wheel to and fro. Ah! Rabadash has felled and lopped a great tree. He should have set his men to making ladders but he is impatient, fool that he is. He should have ridden back to Tashbaan the moment the first attack failed. What? Ah, stupid horse! Get out of my way! I can't see!" Bree had leaned forward rather far and was staring even harder into the water wondering how the hermit could see anything and he could not. But now that the hermit had called him stupid, he was indignant.

"How dare you!" neighed the horse in a rage. He reared up and his hooves leapt out at the Hermit, and before he could stop himself, the old man had plunged into the pool. Now this pool was clearly deeper than most pools. When the hermit fell in, he did not surface. Bree was feeling rather remorseful about this business.

"I'm sorry," he apologized to the others. "It just came natural to kick him."

"Oh well," said Aravis. "I don't mind much."

Now, about this pool: it was no ordinary pool. It was, in fact, the only remaining pool of the Wood between the Worlds. When the horses and Shasta and Aravis had entered the Hermitage, they had entered this strange doorway to other worlds. The only remaining pool, unfortunately, was Charn. During Queen Jadis' stay in Charn, she had eliminated the inhabitants of this world by uttering the Deplorable Word. What she did not know was that the incantation would last only for ten thousand years. A mere five minutes after Digory and Polly had transported her away from Charn, the world had once again become a thriving place. And so the hermit found himself in the midst of a stone courtyard encircled by towering walls on every side. But unlike the state in which Polly an Digory found this self-same courtyard, it was not now in ruins, but had been repaired quite satisfactorily. The hermit stood speechless for a moment, not certain what to do. Presently, a duo of guards strode into the courtyard and saw him standing there motionlessly.

"A spy!" said one. "Seize him!" They grabbed the hermit by both arms and began to drag him forward.

"Spy?" protested the hermit. "Now wait just a minute!" He put up quite a struggle for an old man. "I'm the Hermit of the Southern March!" They dragged him to the throne room in front of the queen of Charn.

"We caught this hermit out behind the supply wagons," said a guard.

"He has the look of a hermit," remarked the queen. "He shall be sold as a slave. No one will enfranchise him. He is to be a slave for the rest of his life." The guards took the hermit away. They made him a slave. They put him in slave garments and shaved his five foot long beard and hair. Then, they sold him to a man named Potiphar.

"Ah, he'll do," said Potiphar before he purchased him. The hermit's first task was to wash the courtyard. He scrubbed viciously at the stones. He looked down at the murky water on the floor and he saw a picture of Bree and Hwin and Aravis laughing at him.

"Ha! You missed a spot!" laughed Aravis.

"Ah, crazy kids!" said the hermit. He scrubbed insanely at the floor trying to get rid of the picture. Soon, the whole courtyard was squeaky clean. The hermit looked up and saw Potiphar and Potiphar's wife looking down at him.

"He's a hard worker," she said. "I think I'll use him in the house." So the hermit was transferred to Potiphar's expansive home.

He did nothing but feed fat Charnish cats all day long. Then, one day, Potiphar's wife caught him sneaking up on a servant girl, so she decided he must die. But he was a cunning old man, so he weaseled his way out of it.

Meanwhile, back at the pool, no time had elapsed at all. Aravis was, in fact, not a very nice girl. So she pushed Bree in. He was captured and sold to thieving horse traders and taken to Potiphar's house to be sold. Bree didn't say anything so the traders didn't know he was a talking horse. Potiphar rode Bree around for a while and said, "He's the best horse in all of Charn!" The horse trader tried to cheat Potiphar, but the hermit tattled on him. Tisk, tisk!

Potiphar was very angry so he threw the horse trader in the slammer and didn't want to keep Bree.

"But, you should keep it," protested Potiphar's wife. "You said he's the best horse in all of Charn!"

"And have a horse taken from a thief?" said Potiphar. "What would that say about my honor?"

"What if you knew that I was a talking horse?" asked Bree as the hermit was leading him away.

"Ahh!" said Potiphar. "Funny how fast a person can change his mind. Ho there, old man, bring that horse back here."

Grudgingly, the hermit smacked Bree on the hind-quarters in revenge and put him in the stables for Potiphar.

The hermit and Bree never escaped Charn.

**Finis**


	2. Narnia: Gone Rum II

**Narnia: Gone Rum II**

_Aranel, Kalel, and Kiel_

"Muhahahaha!" laughed Aslan, chasing after the White Witch on a lawn-mower.

"Shriek!" she screamed. The White Witch ran up a steep hill and hid behind a towering broad-leafed maple tree. She was gasping for breath and about to collapse from exhaustion. She grimaced, listening for the mower, and peered around the tree.

Suddenly, she was grabbed by the tree, which turned out to be a walking, talking tree, which just happened to love to eat Witches, preferably ones dressed in black, but a White Witch would do just fine. He was busy shoving her in his mouth when he remembered that he preferred to eat White Witch that has been chopped up by a lawn-mower, instead of having to eat them plain. He then set out in search of just such a lawn-mower. The tree looked far and wide for a lawn-mower, but he could not find one anywhere. Suddenly, Aslan mowed up behind him and cut him down.

"Ha, ha, ha!" he laughed evilly. "That should teach that stupid tree to get in my way! Wait a minute! What was it carrying? It looked like the White Witch. Oh well, that'll teach them! Ugly, stupid, dumpy trees and Witches too. Always thinking they're better than everyone else."

"Crash! Boom! Crash!" Aslan heard coming from the woods. The noise grew louder and soon, he saw a large, fat figure emerging from the trees. It was Edmund. He had just finished raiding the White Witch's castle, and had eaten all of the full rooms of Turkish Delight. He had stuffed himself until he grew into a fat giant. He stomped up to Aslan and said:

"I'm still hungry! Give me more food or I'll crush you like a bug!" Aslan roared:

"No! You cannot make me! And besides, you're stepping on my tail! Waaaahh! My precious!" Aslan got off of the lawn-mower and began acting like Sméagol. But, really, he was tricking Edmund. When the fat giant turned to leave, Aslan pounced on him and gobbled him up like a mouse.

"And I did it…my way!" he growled triumphantly. At that moment, Prince Rilian and Reepicheep walked up to Aslan.

"Hail, Aslan!" Rilian said. "Would you like to have a staring contest with me?"

"I would love to!" answered the lion. "I know you guys don't appear until hundreds of years later in history, but it's a crazy world. Anything can happen. So how about it?" Prince Rilian and Aslan stared at each other for at least four days and still no one had blinked. But what Aslan did not know was that while he had been thus occupied, Reepicheep had swiped his lawn-mower. The mouse had mowed all of Narnia before Aslan realized that it was gone. He was so angry that he ate Prince Rilian, who still did not blink.

"Cough!" Aslan coughed up a hairball of Prince Rilian's hair and beard. But this was small consolation to the lion. Now all of Narnia, the forests included, looked like a manicured lawn. Aslan was so furious, he approached Reepicheep and narrowed his eyes at the mouse. Instantly, Reepicheep became like a common, dumb, non-speaking mouse. And since Reepicheep was now like an ordinary mouse, Aslan felt he had no reason not to just throw him in a cage and fasten it shut. So he did. Then, he gave Reepicheep to Tash, who promptly gobbled him up.

"Caw! Caw!" crooned Tash, flying away with his excellent meal in his mouth. Aslan smiled in satisfaction and went on with his day.

**Finis**


End file.
